Matt and Ed Down Under

On The Move Again

2008-08-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since our last entry and for those that don't know what we've been up to over the last few months I'll fill you in rather quickly. We moved to the Gold Coast, spent 3 and a half months working on Big Brother Australia, schmoozed with Pammy Anderson and Carson Kressley, got the programme decommissioned! Unfortunately we can't really take credit for it being the last series but I'm starting to worry that I might be seen as a bad omen by future employers. Anyhow, we had a great time, met some really fantastic people and had a very drunken last few months down under. Now we are back to doing what we do best - sweet F.A

Two weeks ago we arrived in Thailand and checked ourselves into a very swanky resort in Koh Phangan to celebrate Matt's 30th. We decided to spend a week doing nothing but sleeping, sunbathing and relaxing and that's exactly what we did, bliss. The second resort we went to - Matt decided he was going to have a 'birthday week' -had no other guests so we had the entire place (including pool and private beach) to ourselves.

We then headed over to Koh Samui to meet up with the irrepressible Miss Ellie Newton who has flown over to join us for a few weeks. Ellie's plan has been to join us and catch up on a year's worth of drinking in just 3 weeks and it turns out she wasn't joking. We had also planned to catch up with a couple of friends we made on Big Brother, Jonny and Jacqui, and we stumbled upon them on our first stroll along the beach. The last time we'd seen them was when they left the 'after after party' we had at our apartment following our wrap party. We started off where we left them and the combination of 5 like minded individuals (drunks) has meant lots of partying and some great nights out, one of which resulted in Matt and myself being hauled up on stage at a ladyboy show, dressed in drag with wigs and makeup and then having to dance around the bar. Unfortunately (very fortunately!) Jacqui accidentally deleted all the photos she had taken and so there is no evidence of Matt and I looking like Wilma and Betty from the Flintstones.

Jonny and Jacqui's holiday came to an end, but not before a final night out with them where I managed to lose my shows, as did Ellie, along with her bag which contained her credit card, bank details and, most importantly her Bobbi Brown bronzer. It's all sorted now and we've just spent 4 lovely days in Ko Tao. Matt and I went diving to a couple of sites and Ellie went snorkeling. Unfortunately (very fortunately!) she came across a large jellyfish, panicked, swallowed vast amounts of water, vomited, and then had to snorkel through it. She assures us that she's still having a wonderful time, as are we, and tonight it's the infamous Full-Moon Party in Koh Phangan so who knows what will happen - can't wait.

Things That Go Bump In the Night

2008-02-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

1 month, 31 days, 744 hours, 44640 minutes, 2678400 seconds - at last our self imposed sober hell came to an end, not that we had been counting the time or anything. So it was time to celebrate but what could we do - a lovely meal, nightclub, cocktail lounge - far too obvious - a bottle of wine and a night in a haunted hotel room - bingo!

Whilst reading our Lonely Planet Guide Ed had found info on a village called St Bathans:

"If a trip to St Bathans leaves you with an eerie tingle down your spine, you're not the first. Set in a hollow in what feels close to the middle of nowhere, this tiny village is believed to be haunted. Ask the proprietor at the Vulcan Hotel and you'll get an adamant nod followed by a quick look over her shoulder. Doors opening and closing, missing objects and books flying off the shelves are her frequent reminders of the nonpaying hotel guest."

It had to be done, so on Wednesday morning we set off with our ghost busting supplies - a bumper size bag of crisps, dry roasted peanuts and a $5 bottle of wine.

St Bathans was indeed as spooky as promised, once a thriving gold mining town with a population of 2000 people, numbers have dwindled somewhat in recent times to a grand total of 4, the couple that run the Vulcan Hotel and the couple that run the post office - incidentally we discovered that both couples actually hate each other and don't talk, making for an incredible sense of community!

With a small street lined with historic ruins and preserved gold mining history, we decided to get ourselves into a ghostly frame of mind with a stroll round the cemetery and the crumbling remains of the local school house. Even the Post Mistress got us in the mood with classic lines such as "This is a post office not a ghost office" and "If you drink too many spirits you may just see some spirits" - personally, I felt the last line could have done with a little more work.

So with much anticipation and a raging desire to drink as much lager as humanely possible, we checked ourselves in at the Vulcan Hotel. Mike, the landlord, served us our first pint, our first for a month I told him. "Fucking hell, you're not a pair of gay boys are you?" he joked. "Actually yes" I said. Sudden hush in the bar as everyone turned to look at us. "Are you fucking serious, fucking hell, don't worry I'm not homophobic or anything, I'm just going to murder you in the morning!" From that moment on we knew our night in a haunted room was not going to be quite as we'd hoped.
Room 1, where we were staying, was one of four and we were the only people staying that night. The story went that our room used to be home to a local prostitute who was brutally murdered one evening, by a client who stole all of her money. Ever since her presence has been felt in a number of ways.

Recreating TV's 'Most Haunted' - Ed taking the role of Derek Acorah and me as Yvette Fielding - we sadly felt no presence and heard no noises. So we decided to venture back into the bar to question Judy, the more friendly other half to Mike. By this time the bar was empty and to say Judy was shitfaced is a gross understatement. We could tell the level of her intoxication by the amount of time it took her to attempt to put a fallen flip flop back on her foot - approx 5 mins before she gave up and slipped the other one off to avoid embarrassment. She told us that she had owned the bar for 7 years and undoubtedly there was a ghost, grabbing a Woman's Weekly from behind the bar she opened it at a recently written article about Room 1. It was this section that caught my eye:

"When new proprietors arrive to take over the running of the hotel, the ghost becomes especially active. Mike and Jude found a gin bottle had been emptied, and pictures on the wall were rearranged. Jude's banking books had mysteriously vanished, yet she eventually found them exactly where she had left them."

Ummm an empty gin bottle and things disappearing only to reappear exactly where they had been left. It all became horribly clear. We retired to our blatantly non haunted room, ate peanuts and had a brilliant nights sleep. Disappointing on the ghost front, although we did notice something unusual in a photograph we had taken.

So this brought us to the end of our Kiwi experience. With just enough time to stop off at Mount Cook, quite possibly the most beautiful place we have ever visited, we are now flying back to Australia for Mardi Gras, the royal visit from Jake Senior and the thing we have been dreading the most - it begins with w and has ork in it. Ed is already shaking just at the thought of it.

Having An Ice Time

2008-02-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

Just so you can picture where we are right now, we're sat in our van enjoying the latest fixation in our lives - Boysenberry ice cream!

We now only have one week left in New Zealand which feels hard to believe, the last month has just flown by. At the beginning of last week we went to Franz Josef in order to climb the glacier there, interestingly named Franz Josef Glacier. Opting for the 'All day ice adventure' we rocked up, kitted ourselves out in boots, waterproofs and crampons and headed out to tackle the beast. Boys being boys we pushed our way to the front (well actually, Matt pushed us to the front) in order to be in group one - the fastest group which would lead the pack - and we began our hike up into the ice, a path being cut out for us by our pickaxe wielding guide.

I'm loathed to overuse the word but I think it's fair to describe the sights and experience as awesome, crawling, climbing and sliding our way up and down the ice, through and into tight crevices (insert your own 'ooh er' jokes here) and whilst it was quite a work out we loved every second, although my feet weren't thanking me for it at the end of the day!The photos won't purvey the sheer scale of the thing but rest assured it's pretty bloody big.
We also visited Fox Glacier, didn't climb it, didn't buy any mints, did have a photo taken though.

From here I hobbled down south to The Catlins. A place to stop and chill out for a few days to break up the driving (New Zealand is slightly larger than the UK and we've been to the north, south, east and west, as well as a few trips inland) as quite a lot of our time gets spent in the van. As an aside, considering the size of New Zealand compared to the UK, their population is approximately 4.2 million compared to our 60.5 which means there's plenty of space out here for everyone, although they do have 39.3 million sheep to make up for it (a haven for sheep worriers if ever I heard it).

In the Catlins we based ourselves in Curio bay, in the most secluded of camping spots amongst tall grasses and between two beaches. On one side of us we had a place to laze and take swims with the resident (wild) dolphins that shared the bay with the locals and tourists, and on the other side of us was a petrified forest (I still don't know what had happened to scare it so much) and the very rare Yellow-eyed penguins which we were able to watch up close in the evenings as they came out of the water, called out for their chicks and then threw up the contents of their stomachs for the little ones to feed on - Mmm, just-a like-a mamma used to make.

At night we sat and enjoyed the sunset before turning in and completing the cryptic crossword in the daily paper - another habit we've formed during our time here. Here's one to keep you going: How orchards produce profits (4,5).

From the Catlins we headed west again to visit Milford Sound in the Fiordlands. A tourist (and pesky Sandfly) hotspot, it's one of the places where it's necessary to join the hordes of other visitors and hop on a cruise to see the sights. Described by Rudyard Kipling as 'the eighth wonder of the world' it was certainly beautiful but I think the 'Jungle Booker' possibly over egged it slightly. However, we managed to get on a relatively small cruise (just 35 of us) which meant we spent a very lovely morning taking in the sights. Our mantra in New Zealand seems to be "what an amazing view" as they are just everywhere.It's the 12th February today and we haven't had a drop of alcohol pass our lips for thirty days. We had planned to keep going until Valentine's night and treat ourselves with a meal and a glass or 2 of wine but we have had to bring it forward by one day for reasons that I will let Matt explain in his next entry. It means that the drought ends tomorrow though, Hallelujah!

P.S. Apologies for the awful Petrified forest joke.

A Gay Old Time

2008-02-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

With adrenaline still coursing through our veins we finally landed on the South Island. So what would be our next move? Bungy jumping, white water rafting, a spot of zorbing? Actually no, we were heading to a gay farmstay!

Autumn Farm is located on the edge of Takaka, a little hippy town in the Golden Bay region of New Zealand. We originally found the place when we were thinking of doing some farm work for a while. Okay we secretly had cowboy fantasies and notions of rolling in the hay but the very thought of work soon put paid to that idea. So we decided to stay and relax for a couple of days instead. The place was incredible - beautifully designed, everything had been thought of - a giant spinning glitter ball and disco lights in the bathroom (my personal favourite), a cushioned snug at the bottom of the garden and an outdoor bath heated by a fire beneath it. The place was also clothing optional, something me and my Ed just never buy into but is always great as a source for our amusement. There is nothing funnier than watching a highly unattractive man, making his lunch, in nothing but his sandals. We did very little at Autumn Farm, mainly sunbathing and taking evening baths under a blanket of stars - very romantic. Feeling refreshed it was time to move on though. As we left in the early morning we came across the best image of our trip so far - outside somebody's van was a discarded lone trainer and a cucumber - the mind truly boggles!

All the lazing around had made us hungry for a bit of exercise, so for our next venture we decided to undertake another of New Zealand's great walks - this one was through Abel Tasman National Park. Taking two days to complete we set off in the early morning with a rolled up blanket and enough cheese and chutney sandwiches to feed a small army. The sandwich filling actually sparked a lively debate between me and my Ed about whether Sir Edmund Hillary took cheese and chutney sandwiches up Everest - sadly it will be a question that we never get to ask. The walk was a fantastic experience, taking in the most stunning coastal scenery and with several secluded bays, we broke up our hiking with sunbathing and dips in the ocean. It was real achievement when we finally staggered into our destination.

We timed our completion of the Abel Tasman with the Mardi Gras celebration that was happening in Takaka. Now we realised that Tarkaka was a very hippy town but that still didn't prepare us for the amount of bad folk music we were about to endure. Painful is an understatement, mixed in with a 100% sobriety made the whole thing literally unbearable - naturally Ed loved every second. I honestly thought the day could get no worse, then the mime arrived and I was proved wrong.

If there is one thing in life I really hate it's mimes and this one was particularly detestable as he danced around like a cunt making over exaggerated facial gestures. Mimes really annoy me for many reasons but my biggest bugbear is the way they encroach their presence on other acts in a vain attempt to steal the limelight. Take this scene:

A group of young children were doing a dance presentation to a Michael Jackson song, an act that was ghastly enough in itself but take a closer look in the left hand corner:

There he is dancing around like a knob, trying to avert eyes on to him, ruining the group of 12 year olds moment of fame. Truly the act of a talentless narcissist. Please stop these people performing in public spaces!

The day would have been a total waste of life but it was thankfully saved when a little girl pulled down her pants and whilst standing up, pissed all over the grass, frankly a sentiment I quite agreed with, followed by an elderly woman unknowingly lying backwards and putting her head in it. We almost killed ourselves laughing.

Still chuckling we are now heading South to climb a glacier - it's New Zealand and we're not drinking, what else would we do!

Going Underground

2008-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

Having not had a drink for 2 weeks now it was obviously critical that we found a new drug to course through our veins during our time in New Zealand and we have opted for the somewhat passe Adrenaline, or 'Ad' as it's referred to by hardened users.

Our first fix came courtesy of the Waitomo caves, or to be more specific Ruakuri cave. Following a short briefing we abseiled approximately 30 metres into the cave - attempting Rambo stylee jumps but failing miserably - and then started touring through the underground system. I should mention at this point that the group consisted of Matt and myself (slightly over excited and whooping every now and again) and the most miserable middle-aged Scottish couple who seemed determined to have an awful time from the outset. Of course this only heightened our enjoyment of the whole day and we threw in a few extra whoops just to overstate our case. Next we were attached to a flying fox and sent down in the pitch black to find some inner tubes waiting for us. We then positioned ourselves inside said tubes and jumped into the incredibly cold subterranean river that flow through Ruakuri cave - exciting, invigorating, daring or as Jimmy Krankie's miserable sister put it "just horrible"! We then floated through a long, glow-worm-covered passage which was spectacular and as we all turned off our headlamps we were able to lie back in our tubes, legs under each others arms to form a train, and float along under the hundreds and hundreds of glow worms that lit the ceiling above us. Getting out of our tubes we walked and swam the rest of the way, jumped of a small waterfall and then clambered our way back up through the cave and into daylight. A great day was had by all, sort of.

We were staying at a very lovely, basic and cheap campsite near to the caves which was run by an eccentric old fellow called Bill. Filling us in on the history of the area in very, very precise detail, he also informed us that the Queen got her dairy cows from a farmer just down the road. "Wow" we said and then Bill wrote down the name of the farm and the farmer on a scrap of paper so that I could write to Liz and tell her that I knew where she got her dairy cows from and that I'd been there. I've yet to pen that fascinating letter but I was assured that "She's very good at getting back to you", which amused me, thinking of all the trite that must turn up in her mail bag each morning.

Following our exertions in the cave we decided to take it easy for a couple of days and so we headed up to the Bay of Islands on the far north of the North Island. Here we boarded a sailing trip and cruised our way around the islands, snorkeled off a bay that we stopped at and looked out for dolphins as we cruised back after lunch. We were very lucky to find a pod of about 15 bottle nose, who we followed and who swam right around our boat. Unfortunately we couldn't get in and swim with them due to the harsh regulations - it could scare their young, make them sick and kill them or something - but they were great to watch nevertheless. By the time we docked though we were starting to get the jitters from withdrawal and so it was time to head off in search of another dealer and we heard that there was a great one in Taupo.

Being somewhat of an Aviaphobe (that's someone who has a fear of flying to the less etymologically gifted of you) I can think of nothing worse than getting into a small rickety plane, flying up to 12'000 feet, opening the door and then hurling myself out. So guess what we did yesterday? Indeed, it was the scariest thing but as my favourite self-help book states, "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" - as an aside, it's also a favourite of Geri Haliwell's - I most certainly felt it, smelt it and dealt it all the way up through the clouds and until my legs were dangling out the door of the plane and I could see land below. I turned and smiled for the camera, turned and gave Matt a loving glance - only fair as it could have been my last - and then whoosh, my instructor had thrown us out and we were upside down and falling towards earth. It was THE MOST AMAZING experience and as we turned and floated, arms stretched out for about 40 seconds without a parachute it felt like we were gliding, or dare I say it, flying through the sky rather than falling. The views, the rush, the adrenaline were like nothing else and then as the parachute opened and we straightened up I realized that I was going to live and be able to recant a truly, utterly amazing experience. Matt had watched me fall from the plane and then he followed, I landed first and then watched as he came down and landed safely - such relief. We both loved it, as exciting as 4 minutes can ever get and certainly a big enough fix to last us our journey to the South Island where we are heading now, a place that we are told is even more beautiful than the North Island. Can't wait.

Vinegar Tits

2008-01-19T17:24:00.001-08:00

After being stationary in Sydney for three weeks, we were both extremely excited to be hitting the road again. We have five weeks to explore New Zealand and intend to fit in both the North and South Islands. Our first stop was Christchurch, the only big city on the South Island, we landed there late Sunday night. Feeling a little bit lost without our Eric we headed to our backpackers - Jailhouse Accommodation. Now those of you in the know about Ed's unusual relationship with Prisoner Cell Block H will understand his reasoning in booking us into a converted historic Jail. Our room was a tiny cell with bunk beds and the original jail door. 'He used to bring me roses' was still being sung well after lights out!!

Our time in Christchurch and the South Island was actually short spent, we intend to spend the last three weeks of our trip in the South. So the next few days were taken up with organising transportation:

It ain't no Eric but the spelling mistake on the back made our day!

and getting to the North Island.

Our first stop was Tongariro National Park - home to the famous Tongariro Crossing - New Zealand's best one day walk. The crossing circumnavigates Mount Ngauruhoe, an active volcano best known for its cameo as Mordor's Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings films. Waking at 5am, I'm still flinching as I write that, we set off on the most spectacular walk we've ever done. Taking seven hours to complete, we climbed the side of a mountain to walk in the clouds, then round the rim of a volcano and finally down to beautiful lakes created by volcanic craters. These photos just don't do it justice.

Me and my Ed took our roles as Sam and Frodo very seriously N.B. We don't want any ring references thank you Jake.

In an adrenalin infused state, Ed then drove us on to Rotorua, to experience Maori culture and geothermal activity!

Known as the Sulphur City, Rotorua lies on a fault line making it an active volcanic area. Here we visited a Maori village and saw the Haka being performed. This is the tribal dance used by the Maori to frighten their foe before battle. Today it is most famously used by the New Zealand rugby team before every match. The Maori singing and dancing was great, although we must admit to getting even more enjoyment because of the little girl at the front who forgot all the words and moves halfway through. We also have video evidence of her attempting to join in with some poi swinging and failing miserably - very funny.

After soaking the night away in a mineral spa under the stars we set off the next day to visit Waiotapu - a compact thermal area with lots of unusual volcanic activity, including a champagne pool, bubbling mud, mineral terraces and a spouting geyser. I must admit it was actually pretty incredible - again photo's just don't do it justice.

Being a country famed for its outdoor activities we are now heading to Waitomo Caves to abseil into black depths and jump off a waterfall. The boozesome twosome have also made a momentous decision and decided to join in with the healthy New Zealand outlook. We are jumping on the wagon for a month of no alcohol. One week in and desperate for a beer!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2008-01-09T17:31:00.000-08:00

Matt and I spent Christmas and New Year in Sydney and whilst it was very different basking in the sun over the yuletide season we kept it fairly traditional - roast turkey on Christmas day, turkey curry on boxing day and far too much drink on New Year's Eve!

We have been staying at Lesley's flat again and got up on Christmas day to see if Santa had come. Luckily for us he had and I got very excited about opening my stocking which was filled with goodies - well if you can count a pair of pants and a Pez as goodies that is! We then started drinking (that's what you do on Christmas day isn't it?) and took a stroll along the coast and onto Bondi beach. It wasn't as hot as other days have been which was actually really nice, it made it feel a bit more like home. We went back and set up the dinner table and I started cooking our meal. We ate so much that we couldn't even face a pudding which, as many of you will know, is very unlike Matt and I. We had a really lovely day and finished it off with a game of Scrabble - I won but as I said to the others, "it's the taking part that counts".

From Boxing day to New Year we spent most of our time on the beach and only visited the sales once. We then met up with a friend from back home, Annalise, who we were seeing in the new year with. Annalise's sister was having a party on her terrace that just happened to overlook Sydney Harbour so we got a prime spot away from all the crowds to watch the spectacle happen. After a few glasses of fizz, a couple of Pimms, one or two Moscow Mules and a cold bottle of beer (or six) we counted down to midnight and watched for fifteen minutes as the Harbour Bridge lit up with an amazing display of fireworks. The party then carried on until the earlier hours but I won't bore you with all the details, well I might if I could remember them, but I'm assured that we all had a fantastic night.

Before arriving in Sydney for Christmas we spent a week in Melbourne which was brilliant. As you know we sold Eric as soon as we got there which was very sad but we quickly found a new love, it was Melbourne. Our favourite city so far, full of small funky bars, lovely little restaurants, great CAKE SHOPS and a very European air that made us feel at home instantly. We spent the week checking out all these little bars, clubs and cake shops and of course, we had to pay a visit to Ramsay street too.

I preferred this street to Ramsay street myself.

Going the whole hog we also went along to the 'Neighbours Night' which involved a pub full of 18-21 year olds getting very drunk and screaming their heads off when a man dressed up as Bouncer the dog - the real Bouncer died 7 years ago as any real fan would know - ran among them. Matt and I obviously felt far too old for it all and decided to leave just after the 'snogging contest' got under way. We couldn't resist a few photos with the 'megastars' (as they were referred to) before we left though. Matt made a classic faux pas by shaking hands with Alan Fletcher and saying "Nice to meet you Karl". Very uncool.

Is it just me or does Matt look like he could be related to Dr. Karl?

Melbourne was great and we look forward to going back there, when that will be we are not too sure yet. We have about six weeks of travelling left before we have to decide where we will go for work and as yet we are still not sure. Now though we are off to New Zealand for a month so we'll worry about work once we get back.

Eric: A Retrospective

2008-01-01T18:35:00.000-08:00

In the gay community it's not uncommon for couples to have open relationships - something that me and Ed have never bought into. That is until someone entered our world and turned everything upside down. His name was Eric and we took a momentous step from coupledom to threesome.

Dressed all in blue, with an electric sunroof and fully working aircon, he wore his roo bar like a seductive smile - it was love at first sight. So when the fateful day of Wednesday 12th December arrived, we drove into Melbourne to carry out a task we had been dreading. It was time to sell Eric.

Our relationship with Eric had started three months earlier, when we arrived in Brisbane, desperate to find a van and start our travels. It was pretty slim pickings at the time and we had actually decided to buy another van when at the last minute we saw an ad on gumtree for our Eric. The next day we viewed Eric and his owner worked a fine sales pitch but a few things worried us - mainly that his license plates were registered in a different state. I won't bore you with the complexities of the Australian car system but in short if we wanted to register the van in our name and not spend a lot of money we had to take Eric to the state of Victoria, approximately 5000 km's away and somewhere that we wouldn't be reaching for three months. If the police had pulled us over it could have spelt trouble but we decided that Eric was worth the risk.

The next day we handed over $3250 and took him to the mechanics for some minor repairs. We then set off on our first journey, a gentle three hour drive to Hervey Bay. All was well until we came off the highway and slowed down to drive through the city. Eric was making a very odd clunking noise every time we went over a bump. Just to put our minds at ease we popped him into a mechanics - he told us two things, firstly that the bushes in the upper control arm had gone and needed to be replaced and secondly that Eric was a very rare model of van and his parts cost disproportionally more compared to other vans. What have we done, we thought, a thought that was further enhanced when Eric wouldn't start the next day due to a flat battery. But we learned some good lessons early on, especially about trawling car wreckers yards to find cheap second hand bits. So with a new upper control arm , we set off thinking our run of bad luck was over, Eric had other ideas though.

Travelling to Townsville the next day, doing 110 km's down the highway, I suddenly felt the steering wheel begin to shake. "This is a very rough road isn't it" I said to Ed - the road actually looked very flat and inside I knew something was very badly wrong. That is when we heard the bang - our back tyre had burst. "Brake and steer" screamed Ed. I tried but lost total control and Eric skidded across the road, heading into oncoming traffic, before coming off the road completely and almost rolling over. To say we shit ourselves is a total understatement - we were so lucky to be in one piece. As an aside, we funnily enough came across a leaflet, a few weeks later, about what to do if your tyre blows on the highway. What are the two biggest no no's - don't brake and don't steer. Great work Edwardo.

So there we were on the side of the highway, in the middle of nowhere and neither of us wanted to risk changing the tyre. Thankfully when we bought Eric we got membership to the NRMA (equivalent of the RAC) thrown in. It was time to call them up but when I looked at the membership I realised that it wasn't in my name. The only thing I could do was pretend to be the previous owner. Surely an easy task for a former drama student like myself but this was going to put my acting skills to test as the previous owner was Indian. From that moment on I became Mr Harpreet Singh - Harp for short. I even went as far as to create a bit of a back story for myself in case the rescue mechanic asked me about my unusual name. I would say that my parents went on holiday to India, converted to Hinduism, then fell pregnant and I was the result. Fortunately the mechanic asked no questions, even when Ed accidentally shouted "Matt....I mean Harp, where's the car jack!"

So he cost us money in repairs, almost killed us and put my fine acting skills to the test but we still loved him. In fairness he ran like a dream for the majority of our trip, took us up mountain sides and in total drove us over 12000 km's. Then two days before we were due to sell him his engine started to make a very peculiar noise. All I can say is thank fuck for WD40 because we sprayed it liberally before every viewing and he sounded just fine.

So should we have worried about selling Eric, actually no because we managed to sell him to the second person who viewed him for the full asking price! There will always be an Eric shaped void in our life but the $4000 we got for him, giving us $750 in profit, has filled it very nicely.

We miss you Eric but hope you're happy in your new home.

The Great Ocean Road

2007-12-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

Our walking and wildlife spotting continued in abundance when we left Sorrento and set out to drive the Great Ocean road, Victoria's famous southwestern coastal route which extends 285km west and was built with the idea of constructing a scenic road of world repute, equalling California's Pacific Coast highway. Our first stop along the road was Otway national park and we stayed in the only caravan park in the area which was called Bimbi park. When we arrived we were greeted by a Koala crossing our path with a baby attached to its back - a baby Koala that is. We had read that this was a place to 'sleep under the Koalas' and this was absolutely the truth, the trees above us were full of them, eating, sleeping and making the most unlikely noise you'd imagine from something so cute - imagine a donkey with a sore throat laughing and you've got something quite similar. Our Eric loved them too and we got back one day to find him playing with a couple just by our pitch.

Not far from Bimbi park was Melba Gully, a place known as "the jewel of the Otways". Jewel is an apt name because the Gully comes alive after dark with its large population of glow worms, something we had to see. We decided to walk the route before it got dark so that we could get our bearings for later. Mid way round we were minding our own business looking at a waterfall, or flower or some other thing you look at in a national park, when we heard someone charging towards us. We turned around to see a kangaroo heading directly for us at full speed - possibly the most frightening experience I've ever had. I jumped up on to a small bench beside us (as if that was going to help) and Matt stood still (through fear I say, to show no fear he says) and the Kangaroo hopped right up to him, face-to-face, turned on his heels and then charged off again. Our legs were like jelly but we thought it was hilarious and were just about recovered when we heard the noise again and turned to see the (not so) little bastard coming at us for a second time. This time Matt was up on the bench as quickly as I was and once again it hopped right up, had a look and then turned and cleared off.

By now it was getting very dark and we hadn't done a full circuit of the park so, with a maverick Roo on the loose Matt and I kept very close to each other and went glow worm hunting. It was well worth it as they were spectacular and lit up the sides of the paths as we walked through and fortunately we didn't come across Skippy's sinister sibling again either. I tried to take a photo of the glow worms so you could appreciate just how magnificent they were too.

Next stop on our route was Port Campbell, our base for seeing the Twelve Apostles - gigantic limestone pillars that rise out of the ocean. The scenery around this area was stunning both during the day and at sunset when we went back to get more photos and to see more little penguins who come up onto the beach once it starts getting dark. Whilst these are by far the most iconic rock formations in the area we explored many others through the various clifftop walks around.

After here we made our way to the Grampians National Park (thanks for the tip Kat) to partake in more of our favourite new hobby, bush walking. We spent a couple of days exploring the area and taking walks to the most noted features, namely The Pinnacle, the Balconies and Mackenzie Falls. Again the scenery and views were breathtaking and it definitely ranks as one of our favourite walks we've done so far. We also drove Eric down a very long dirt track to see some Aboriginal rock art (at Matt's request) and the fact that he nearly fell apart getting us there was well worth it, as I'm sure you can see by the one photo we got!

The caravan park we stayed in was brilliant, very basic but again full of wildlife, kangaroos bouncing by and emus running around. We spent hours one night just sat around our fire watching them all around us, eating our packet noodles and we couldn't have been happier.

One night, whilst sat outside Eric gazing up at the stars, we noticed a strange red light, moving very erratically in the sky, going in all manner of directions and we couldn't fathom what it was. We joked that it must have been a UFO and thought nothing more of it until we walked past the local notice board the next day.

Oh yes, we are now in contact with the Victorian Ufology Society and as their latest UFO spotters we have lodged our sighting and filled out forms detailing our paranormal experience, all very silly but funny nevertheless.

Next stop Melbourne, but if you haven't heard from us again soon be sure to contact James Molesworth for we may have been abducted by an extra terrestrial called Bruce.

Mountains, Mechanics and Mammals

2007-12-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

After spending two months exploring two states we left Sydney to hit our third - Victoria. Although we have travelled extensively in Eric, we have tended to stick to coastal roads, so we decided to head inland for a change and enjoy a different kind of scenery. We ended up doing a three day drive that took us through the snowy mountains of New South Wales and into the Alps of Victoria. It's definitely been one of the most enjoyable times of our trip - driving for around six hours a day, winding round mountains with amazing vistas and through national parks under a rainforest canopy.

Finally our journey ended in a town called Sale, this unassuming place was to be the setting for Eric's biggest challenge to date, it was time to take him for his Roadworthy Certificate (RWC). This RWC is needed by law in order to sell Eric, it proves to buyers that he is in good mechanical order. When we bought him we didn't get an RWC for reasons that would take too long to explain and also make us sound a bit stoopid. So we were very worried that he wouldn't pass as Victoria is one of the toughest states for testing cars and Eric has a tendency to squeak a lot. It could end up costing us a small fortune to get him in a fit state to pass. So like two big gay dads that take their adopted Chinese child to their first school sports day, we dropped Eric off at the mechanics. We were both a bag of nerves and there was only one thing we could do to take our minds off the situation - play Bingo!

After 30 games, I kid you not, it had done little to ease the tension, even when the bingo caller accidentally burped down the microphone, it brought us little light relief. Finally the phone rang, Ed took the call, a little smile came to his face, our Eric had passed with flying colours. We were so proud.

So with a roadworthy van we travelled South to Wilson's Promontory - Victoria's favourite national park and the Southern most tip of mainland Australia. We spent two days at the Prom and it was absolutely spectacular. I know we keep writing about these amazing places but this one was very special. Due to the campsite being the only inhabited area within a 40 mile radius, the sky at night was incredible, it was literally alive as stars flashed and shot by. Also, due to it being the most southerly point, we finally saw our first sunset, as we lay on Whisky beach with a plastic beaker of chilled Sauvignon Blanc in hand. Okay, I realise we are making some people sick with these paradise stories, so here comes a bit of negative for you. It turned out that when we got to the Prom it was the schoolies season, when 18 year olds fresh out of there exams escape for the weekend to get absolutely bollocksed. After seeing the amazing sunset we got back to camp and were greeted with the joyous sight of a young lad projectile vomiting all over the showers. These schoolies just have no stamina.

After the prom we decided to continue our nature theme and went to Philip Island. Here lies Victoria's most popular natural tourist attraction - The Penguin Parade. It is the home of the little penguin, the smallest of the penguins which are only found in Southern Australian waters. Once the sun sets, around 500 penguins come out of the water, waddle across the beach and seek out their burrows in the surrounding area. Paying a little bit extra, me and Ed went 'penguin plus' for a ringside seat and it was worth every cent. You could literally reach out and touch them - to make the experience even more magical an electrical storm raged out across the ocean as they passed by. Unfortunately you weren't allowed to take photos as the flash frightens them, so here are some photos from the website.

Okay so penguins were ticked off the list, what could we possibly do next? No not more bingo, we decided to swim with dolphins and seals instead. Driving round the coast to a town called Sorrento, we set off at 8:30am with our guide Judy, a fabulous woman in her 60's and a tireless dolphin campaigner. It was a great day. Seals swam around us as Judy put us at our ease with comments like "Look at the teeth on that Bull seal, and people think it's safe to get in the water with them!" Then at the end of the day we finally found the dolphins. Into the water we rushed as Judy explained that singing through our snorkels would attract them. So me and Ed did our best version of 'Video Killed the Radio Star' as they approached us, then swam under us and then fooked off. Okay they didn't play with us but they thought our karaoke was shit and that really made us chuckle.

So on we go now to the Great Ocean Road and the Grampians before we make our way to Melbourne.

Before I end this post though, me and Ed have received some amazing news recently. Finally, after 9 months of waiting, Ed's cousin Kerry has given birth to a beautiful baby boy called Harry and I've become an uncle to Madison, my sisters first child. Congratulations, we're over the moon for both of you and can't wait to meet them! Here's some photos so we can show them off.

Nicole's Dad

2007-11-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

We are currently heading south from Sydney having spent the last few days there. We stayed in Bondi with Lesley, a friend from back home who is lovely, albeit from Bolton but you can't hold that against her. We had a really great stay but it was time to leave as her and Matt were bringing out the worst in each other, i.e their accents. No seriously, enough Bolton bashing, we have had a fantastic timer in Sydney and it was lovely catching up with Lesley and sheer bliss to have a room, a sofa and a BATH - such luxuries.

When we arrived Lesley took us out for dinner, our choice of where to go. There was no question, it had to be a curry house. It had been over two months since we'd had a Balti and we were in serious need so Lesley took us to her local where we filled up on poppadoms and caught up on the last six months gossip. It's strange what living in Eric has done to us, but instead of exploring the Sydney nightlife as we thought we might, we just wanted to get back to the flat, get comfy on the sofa and enjoy a glass of wine out of an actual glass rather than the travel-safe beakers we have become accustomed to.

The next night I cooked dinner for us, another luxury we've missed. The space, the cooker and the sharp knives required to make a decent meal was lovely. We've started getting used to the packet french onion soup and '2 minute noodles' that have become staples of our diet, but having a proper home cooked meal was a real treat.

On Saturday evening Matt and I got ourselves spruced up, put on our shirts and aftershave and headed out to mark the passing of another long and arduous year together, courtesy of our friend Helen we were to do it in style - a seven course degustation meal aboard the James cook cruise around Sydney Harbour. When we arrived to check-in we were told that we were 'gold' ticket holders - we got as excited as Charlie Bucket did when he found his - and were escorted past all the unwashed bronze ticket holders who looked on as we were taken straight to the front of the queue and introduced to the captain. We were then escorted up to the top deck to enjoy champagne and canapes whilst taken in the views of Sydney Harbour. Flashpackers, us? Never.

We then enjoyed the feast of food that followed along with the free flowing champagne and wine that accompanied each course. A live band played as we cruised under the Harbour bridge and past the Opera House and we rounded off the night with a couple of G&T's out on deck, just because we could (and because they were free of course).

Thank you so much Finnimore, it was a truly scrumptious present x x

We got up the next day (to the joyous news that John Howard had been ousted from office and Australia had a new PM) feeling a little worse for wear, went out for breakfast and then headed into town for the Christmas parade. It was all a bit surreal singing 'Rudolph the red nose reindeer' and waving at father Christmas in 30 degree heat but we did it nevertheless and then made our way down to the Opera House for the social event of the year - Australian Idol, The Final. As if this wasn't going to be the best thing in the world ever anyway, it was only to become more spectacular as we stood under the sails of the Opera House with the most amazing fireworks I've ever seen going off right above us when who should jump on stage but Lionel Richie. It was all a bit too much for Matt and I and we found the whole experience genuinely emotional (and that's got nothing to do with the hangover or Lionel's singing in case anyone dared to think it) as the atmosphere, the fireworks and the location were so iconic and rounded off another top night in Sydney.

So we said our goodbyes to Lesley but before we did we managed to compose a list of all the Christmassy things that we'll need for when we get back. I don't think she knows what she's letting herself in for as we are getting very excited about heading back to Bondi beach for the festivities next month.

For now though a new State beckons, Victoria, where we will have to (I'm getting emotional again just thinking about it)... sell Eric!

Wined and Climbed

2007-11-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

I want to start this entry with a couple of announcements. Firstly you may remember an entry, posted about a month a go, wittily entitled 'The Sh*t Sundays' about our sailing trip that included a free smell of sewage. Well after much emailing and one angry phone call, I'm happy to report that we got a 200 dollar refund. Disgruntled from Tunbridge Wells wins again!
Secondly the reason I've asterisked the blog title above is because we've received a rather severe complaint and telling off from my Aunty Mary in regards to the obscene language that Ed and especially me, often use in our posts. According to my Aunty Ann, Mary's daughter, she literally had to be scraped off the floor after reading my last entry. In order to make amends I've decided to make this post completely swear word free. Unfortunately Aunty Mary it is just a one off for you and we will be returning to our foul mouthed ways in the future cos we find rude words dead funny!

Anyway back to the travel stories. After Byron Bay we got to Coffs Harbour and the rain continued to pour. In fact it was freak weather for Australia and all that was left for us to do was go down to the local bowls club and watch Ian Pike, a one man country band who did the most courageous Elvis impersonation I've ever had the misfortune to see. Even more frightening was watching the couple ballroom dancing to it! Naturally me and Ed loved it and it quickly became our regular. Apart from that not much happened in Coffs, finally the rain stopped, the sun shone and I gave Eric the clean of his life.

So on we went to our next stop, the Hunter Valley, New South Wales' most famous wine region. It was also time for Ed to wheel out his one and only joke: What did the grape say when it got stood on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Funny the first time, plain irritating the twentieth. Our plan in the Hunter was to educate ourselves about wine and take in the scenery. Having romantic images of small country roads and acres of vineyards we decided to hire bikes from the aptly named Grapemobile - cue another opportunity for Ed to tell his grape joke once again. Now me and Ed walk a lot but we are not riders, in fact we've never ridden a bike on a main road or any great distance but we thought it didn't look that hard and we booked the bikes for three days.

Day One - Morning: I choose our route, a gentle 20 mile circular bike trip on incredibly hilly roads - roads which actually turned out to be more like motorways, with huge trucks driving by us, oh and a temperature of around 35 degrees Celsius.

Day One - Evening: After our 8 hour cycle is over Ed can hardly sit down and I have feelings in my groin that I've never experienced before and never want to again.

Day Two: We take the bikes back and ask for a refund. Apart from the bike riding we actually had a fantastic time in the Hunter. We've taken wine appreciation courses, drank sparkling Rose in the park, toured vineyards and tasted lots of incredible wines and cheeses. It was a very chilled and relaxing place to leave but leave we did, with a sparkling chardonnay in hand as we headed to the Blue Mountains.

The Blue Mountains got their name from the blue mist that rises from millions of eucalyptus trees and hangs in the mountain air, tinting the sky and the range alike. We stayed here for four days and did some amazing walks.

The most famous of these takes in the views of the famous Three Sisters. These three rocky points take their name from an Aboriginal Dreamtime story which relates how the Kedumba people were losing a battle against the rival Nepean people: the Kedumba leader, fearing that his three beautiful daughters would be carried off by the enemy, turned them to stone, but was tragically killed before he could reverse his spell.

In order to get a better view of the Three Sisters I took us on a short hike up 900 steps, as you can see from the photo below, Ed was overjoyed with the result.

However, the walk that really blew us away was the Grand Canyon Loop. Taking around 4 hours to walk the circuit, pictures just don't do it justice. We walked deep down into gorges, brimming with magical scenery, beautiful creeks, waterfalls and ended with amazing views of the mountains.

By our third day the weather began to take a turn for the worse. Laying in Eric we watched some amazing electrical storms that were sometimes a little too close for comfort. Then, once the rain had broken a little, we decided there was only one thing to do, you guessed it, go to the pub. Luckily it happened to be Trivia night at the Ivanhoe Inn. After making ourselves comfortable on a paisley sofa we were invited to join the team of Betty, Mary and Terry, a group of retired ex-pats who lived in the area. Uninspired by my team name suggestion of Quiz Team Aguilera we finally settled on The Five of Us - personally I still think my idea was better but Betty was insistent. Run by an ex-pat called Geoffrey, who looked frighteningly like Reg Holsworth from Corrie, with an open red bow tie and wielding his second bottle of Jacob's Creek Riesling in one hand and a microphone in the other - the quiz started and battle commenced. After 40 questions and a few brain teasers, I'm glad to report that we came a very respectable second, losing by just one point. Our prize was one of Denise's savoury chicken and mushroom pies, which Betty, Mary and Terry very kindly donated to us. We also had another stroke of luck when Ed correctly guessed the weight of the largest chocolate ever made and won us a bottle of wine (just in case you are interested it weighed 2280 grams and was an After Eight mint).

We then hung around the bar because Ed was desperate to get chatting to Geoffrey. His wish was soon granted as Geoffrey stumbled over, now on his third bottle of Riesling, and said a slightly slurred hello. A very odd night then began as Geoffrey introduced his friend Jean, a woman whose hair had been dyed black to within an inch of its life. She then proceeded to sing hits from Phantom of the Opera, accompanied by Russ on the piano, a slightly autistic jazz musician wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Once the musical review had finished, Geoffrey then tried to grope Jean as she attempted to go home to her husband, five times she refused his offer of walking her to her car - it was absolutely priceless. Naturally we loved Geoffrey and his non stop trivia facts and we should hopefully be joining one of his quiz teams when we move to Sydney. It was a fantastic night and a fitting end to our time in the Blue Mountains.

So on we go to Sydney for a harbour dinner cruise, to celebrate our 6th anniversary and we have cunningly managed to get tickets to the live final of Australian Pop Idol too! Fabulous.

So Long Sarah

2007-11-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

We're currently feeling a bit blue as after two fantastic weeks together we have just said goodbye to Sara. After Fraser Island we headed down to the Gold Coast and spent three days behaving like big kids at two theme parks and a water park. The rides were scary, the flumes were fast and fortunately I wasn't the most scared musketeer, that prize goes to Sarah who jumped out of her skin so high one day that she literally fell over. It was a great few days and I'm looking forward to seeing some of the photos Sara took (when she eventually sends them to us, hint hint).

We realized what heathens it made us 'wasting' our time at theme parks so we headed off Lamington National Park next to top up our culture quota. Here we set out on a six hour walk through the rain forest which was beautiful if a little leech ridden. By little I mean a lot of course and for approximately four of the six hours we were constantly pulling the blood sucking buggers off our shoes and legs. One of them even managed to work its way through Sara's amazing pom pom socks which was thoroughly horrible for her and yet another photo opportunity for us.

The next day we left the rainforest and in doing so we too left Queensland, a great State in our opinion and a place that has given us loads of fantastic memories to take away. When we crossed into New South Wales we set our watches forward an hour and then headed to Byron Bay, the place that's been our home for the last week. On the recommendation of Nick and Rebbecca who we met on Fraser Island, we checked ourselves in to the Arts factory, a hippy little place that doesn't allow vans and so we have been camping for the week. A very chilled out place that's close to the even more chilled Nimbin, the Arts Factory is clearly home to a number of people who come for a few days and end up staying for a few months. The late-night movies in the attached cinema, the constant jamming, the didgeridoo making etc does make it a very appealing place but unfortunately for us getting our tent out seemed to upset Mother Nature somewhat and so she right royally pissed all over us for four days, pretty much non stop.

There have been many highlights though, one of which was turning a corner to hear "Vot is ze name of ze game?" being shouted at us by Lena and Simon who we had also been on the Fraser Island trip with. We've spent the last few days with them too and it's been really nice to have our own little gang, even better that it's with people who we really got on with and who reminded us of friends back home. Another highlight has to be watching the Melbourne Cup - Australia's Ascot, a 130-year old horse race which brings the entire country to a standstill around the television. We put our $5 bets on numbers 6 and 12 and headed to the pub to meet up with the others. The atmosphere was great, a band was playing, ladies were wearing dresses and hats, men had put their best suits on and so we got ourselves a drink and got positioned in front of the huge screen. As the race started a huge cheer went up and we started looking out for our horses. It wasn't until about ten seconds before the end of the race that we realised it was mine out in front, number 12 heading for victory. "You've got it!" Matt shouted, "Schnell, Schnell!" Simon and Lena added, at which point another horse at the back of the pack appeared to gain wings and fly down past all the others to join mine at the front and literally pip me at the post. We couldn't believe it and stood in shock looking up at the screen as they put the name and number of the winning horse up, 'Efficient' - Number 6. Hang on, that's Matt's horse, none of us had realised and so we all started jumping up and down throwing hi-fives at each other (honestly, we've taken up 'hi-fiving' since getting here, how awful). we went out and picked up Matt's winning, all $113 of it and treated ourselves to lunch in a Thai restaurant the next day.

It's now Friday and it's still raining. The damp clothes in the damp bed in the damp tent have become too much to bear and so we are leaving the crusties in their teepee's behind us and heading further down the coast of New South Wales. Next stop, Coff's Harbour.

Fraser Island

2007-10-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

When Ed and I decided to take the step, have a year off and travel round Australia, my age immediately rang alarm bells. Being on the cusp of 30, I must admit that I worried about being surrounded by 18 year old backpackers and whether I would fit in. Since being away I haven't worried about it once, until we booked the Fraser Island Trip that is. The trip was a 3 day, 2 night 4x4 safari, which involved 11 people touring round the island in a large 4x4 and camping and cooking together each night. 11 people, stuck in a confined space, together all day and night, would be seen as an adventure by some or a potential disaster by a miserable old cunt like me.

Well hands up, I was wrong, because we have just got back from one of the best trips I've ever been on. By the luck of the draw we were put with a fantastic set of people who made the trip what it was. Okay one of the girls looked like the bride of chuckie, couldn't handle talking about vibrators over breakfast and thought a capital city of Europe was Portugal but hey, 10 out of 11 ain't bad.

The actual trip itself involved a lot of driving during the day to see the natural wonders of Fraser Island and it truly was amazing. From desert like patches of sand, to spectacular fresh water lakes and a phenomenal ship wreck on the beach.

Then at night we would pitch our tents, crack open several beers and get to know our companions. German, Dutch, American, English and Irish, all of them were incredibly funny and entertaining. There was Simon, the German medic, who would introduce the drinking game slaps with 'Vot is ze name of ze game' and 'Vot is ze aim of ze game', we had a great night walk to the ship wreck with Rebecca and Nick,

but our hearts went to Sarah - a bi polar, social worker from Chicago who had a cleavage as loud and proud as her voice. A constant source of entertainment, we just loved her company and here are just a few of her fabulous beach poses, from our mock photo shoot, that had the group in absolute hysterics.
After getting back to the mainland we organised a beach front barbie to say a proper goodbye to our group. However, there was one person that we couldn't bear to leave, so Matt, Ed and Eric are now being joined by Sarah for a few days, as we head down to the Gold Coast to hit the Theme parks.

P.S. Eric is currently in a garage after they found break fluid leaking down his leg. We are starting to get the feeling that Eric doesn't like us very much.

The Shitsundays

2007-10-24T03:32:00.000-07:00

Magnetic island - named by Captain Cook as his compass played up when he sailed by in 1770 - provided us with a lovely setting for a couple of days rest and no driving - we had to leave Eric on the mainland which was very difficult and highly emotional. We took some lovely walks around the island , in particular the fort walks up to the lookout where Japanese invaders were intercepted during WWII. This was also the place where we saw our first Koala of the trip, they are the cutest things in the world (apart from Kim Jong-il that is).

We spent one evening catching up with a fellow 'hostie' from Reef encounters and then, unable to cope without him any longer, we headed back to be reunited with Eric and made our way to Airlie beach. This place was an altogether different experience and being a mainstay on the backpacker route meant that the bars were full every night of the week, many of them holding wet T-shirt competitions. With a $500 prize at stake I begged Matt to enter but he wasn't having any of it. That's the last time I'll listen to him moaning about our financial situation.

The reason this place is so popular is that it is the gateway to the Whitsundays, a group of seventy four islands that we decided to explore on a three day cruise aboard the Alexander Stewart - how decadent. A classic timber yacht known as 'The Romance of Sail', we enjoyed sunbathing, snorkeling, swimming and sleeping in a shite-smelling room. Oh yes, on the first night the toilet waste system overflowed right next to our cabin which meant we were staying in nothing better than a cess pit. Seeing as Australia is currently going through its worst drought in 100 years we could at least rely on the weather to make our days relaxing and blissful, couldn't we? OF COURSE WE COULDN'T. Whilst it was in no way dreadful, it was overcast a lot of the time and we had rain too. The inept crew members just added to the whole farce and Matt and I would often skulk back to our fragrant boudoir and laugh at how comical the situation was. What we couldn't work out was how the other fifteen passengers on board appeared to be having a lovely time and didn't bat an eyelid when we were served up "yummy scones" that were burnt alongside luke warm tea and coffee. Blaming ourselves for being whinging pommes we just got on with it and in all fairness had a nice time with some really nice people so we mustn't complain. Actually saying that, we have complained, formally, in writing, asking for some of our money back but that's by-the-by. Possibly the best thing about the cruise was getting back to dry land, catching up with Eric (again, how we neglect him) and meeting up with our fellow passengers in a local bar. Our faith in people was soon restored when we realised we weren't the only ones who had a less than great time and so we had a good old bitch about about the trip. No one had wanted to say too much whilst we were on board but we had a great time regaling the many stories and highlights from the trip. My favourite quote was the host asking a couple from Belgium "What colour is the Belgianese flag?". That sums it up for me.

Anyway the good (??) news is that that was only one half of what we paid for and we are now in Rainbow beach about to head out on the second part tomorrow, a 3-day four-wheel drive safari on Fraser island, the world's largest sand island. We spent last night sat around our campfire keeping our fingers crossed that our experience is slightly less smelly on land than it was at sea.

Reef Encounters

2007-10-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

Our days on 'Reef Encounter' were definitely some of the most memorable of our trip so far. Diving at the Great Barrier Reef was amazing - I could wax lyrical about diving through coral tunnels and the numerous sea animals that we saw but doing around four dives a day over four days means we have a lot of stories to tell. For me the diving highlights were seeing sharks, night diving and seeing a Morey eel swim past me and by far the best experience was swimming with a giant turtle. After diving we would jump straight into the outdoor hot tub, particularly nice after a night dive when the sky would be a blanket of shooting stars. Of course our life of luxury could only last so long and at 1pm on the second day the work part began. Whilst we were passengers it hadn't seemed so bad - 6 hosties and about 25 passengers to look after, potentially easy life we thought, until we started that is. The number of hosties fell to 5, there was a sudden surge of bookings, doubling the passenger numbers to nearly 60, oh and the ships air conditioning completely broke down! Working from 5:30 am till 9:30pm, in tropical humidity, in a kitchen with no air con was definitely an experience. As Shona - the 41 year old hostie, self-confessed 'intellectual snob', who knew everything, had done everything you had done only better and who never went in the kitchen to pot wash once - said, when she stuck her head round the kitchen door to see me and Ed literally dripping with sweat, "people pay hundreds to lose the body weight you're losing right now". Thanks for that Shona, now fuck off back to your oh so arduous napkin folding (I'm still bitter). The truth is that the work was actually fine, in fact it was the first few honest days work that me and Ed have done in around 7 years - as Ed commented, it made defrauding the nation seem like a walk in the park. Also the people we met out on the boat were fantastic, a big shout out has to go to Jilly, the 29 year old, non-lesbian, rugby playing P.E. Teacher from Worcester, who when drunk would suddenly start doing push ups and star jumps before performing the most amazing David Brent dance impersonation. It was a pleasure to sing Tammy Wynette's 'Stand By Your Man with you'! So with a tropical skin disease under his armpit and my blocked inner ear causing deafness, Ed and I left the ship very happy, if not a bit unstable on our feet.

Next we travelled North to Cape Tribulations - the Northern most point on the East coast of Australia accessible by a sealed road. Here the rain forest literally meets the reef, as it grows right onto the beach. A spectacular place where our stint of wildlife spotting began. Going on a night walk through the oldest rain forest in the world, we saw numerous spiders, water dragons and a 3 metre long python.

Hungry for more we then drove South to the Atherton Tablelands - an area around 1000 metres above sea level. We have had a very chilled out time here, walking Petersons Creek we have spotted platypus, gone to the famous Milla Milla waterfalls and swam at Lake Eacham, a beautiful lake formed from a volcanic crater. It has involved lots of stunning drives and walks - we are both feeling very lucky to be doing this right now. Continuing the David Bellamy theme we are about to head to Magnetic Island for koala spotting and lazing on the beach.

A Whale Of a Time

2007-10-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

Before I start this entry I just want to add something to the last one. When Matt says he 'lost' his beloved Birkenstocks, what he meant to say was that he placed them down on the beach, got ridiculously drunk and then forgot where he'd left them. Now I have now room to criticize at all (I lost my phone on the same night), but when he spent the equivalent of FORTY English pounds on a new pair I couldn't bite my tongue and found myself shouting at him in the street "And to think you begrudged me a two pound blackcurrant and raspberry frappe!". Not the butchest thing I've ever said I'll admit but necessary nonetheless. I hoped that adding this would give me closure on the matter and it has. For now.

So we left Hervey Bay a few days ago and before we did we went on the whale watching trip. It was such a fantastic experience, I don't think either Matt or I realised just how amazed and awestruck we would be by the sight of them. They came so close to the boat and the anticipation of them breaking through the water was so exciting. The pictures and film we took don't do it justice in the slightest, but as we chose to go on a sail boat we were able to get really near to them, and watched on as they slapped the water, blew through their air holes and breached (jumped out of the water). It was the stuff of Attenborough programmes in the flesh. The experience was temporarily spoiled for 20 minutes by a boat load of (what we presumed were) American tourists. They whooped and clapped whenever the whales did anything, clearly unable to differentiate between the natural behaviour of animals in the wild and the performances they've undoubtedly witnessed at some Sealife centre. It wold have taken far more than that though to spoil it for us and when a group of dolphins swam alongside and under our boat it was the cherry on the cake. We spent the end of the day sunbathing on deck and boomnetting - being dragged along behind the boat holding on to a net.

Having got the mechanical work done on Eric we set forth on our two day drive up the east coast to Cairns. Eric did us proud, we only had to call out the NRMA (equivalent to the AA) TWICE, which if nothing else is consistent of the old boy. The drive was really enjoyable with beautiful weather, stunning scenery, amazing roadkill and 'The Greatest Power Ballads Ever' (discs 1, 2 AND 3) which we sang along to at the top of our voices.

So we are now in Cairns and it is scorching. We've booked ourselves on a live aboard dive trip so we'll be staying on a boat for the next few days. In order to stay on it longer we have agreed to be 'hosties' which means we will have to work, heaven forbid. Handing out meals, washing up etc and in return we get to stay on free for two extra days, all meals included and 3 dives a day too, bargain!

It's sweltering so I'm going to get back in the pool now x

Introducing Eric

2007-09-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since our last post but very little has happened bar moving continents and making a new, very special friend. Our last few days in Langkawi were a rainy affair interspersed with massages, aquariums and the loss of my beloved Birkenstocks (I'm still in mourning). We then moved back to Kuala Lumpur and soaked up some more Malay culture at the local water and theme park. It actually taught us a lot about Native American and African life as we rode the Tomahawk Death Trap and flew down the Congo Water Snake. That night at the hostel we met a fabulous Australian girl called Tammy, who collected us from our room shouting beer o' clock and asking for a high five - Ed immediately fell in love with her. Anyway she had been living in London and stated that Brits were actually bigger drinkers than Aussies - more on this later.

The next day we finally arrived in Brisbane and were transported to our salubrious accommodation for our stay in the city - The Sportsman Hotel - dive gay and drag show bar - how could we not stay there! This has been our base for two purposes - to party and to find a camper van. Sampling Brisbane's nightlife I have to say that Tammy you are just so wrong, we have never seen so many severely drunk people in our lives - literally off their heads at 7pm and still going at 5 in the morning. We couldn't keep pace so instead decided to put our efforts into the van search and my it's been a Matt and Ed epic of indecisiveness - along the way we have seen a camper van owned by an Aussie called Daniel, who managed to back it into a road barrier whilst showing us how well it handled and a van that Ed desperately wanted to buy just because it had an Irish flag on the front and was called Mitsi. Finally we went for a gas converted Ford Spectron which has a huge sunroof that we can lie under and watch the stars. We have named him Eric and so far he has been a pain in the arse, costing us money in repairs and finding out, that like us, he is a little bit different from the other vans, meaning all his spare parts cost a fucking fortune - but you know what, he's worth it cos we loves him! Currently we are parked up in Hervey Bay - waiting for a new upper control arm bush for Eric and have a whale spotting boat ride booked for tomorrow. In the meantime, here are some photos of our beloved Eric and my Ed:

The Door, The Date, The Debbie

2007-09-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

Another inopportune moment, another chance to write a blog entry. This time we are locked in our beach hut. Seriously. We got up this morning to go on a mangrove safari and the door wouldn't open. I was stood in the window for an hour waiting until someone went by that we could shout to. I lie slightly as one person did go by, his name is Harries and I couldn't call out to him as we were somewhat rude to him the other day when he pestered us to go on one of his safaris. We've now been in here for two hours and have three people trying to break into our hut to let us out, it's absolutely Laurel and Hardy slapstick.

So I thought I'd fill you in on how my 'date' went. To Matt's great disappointment I managed to wangle my way out of taking her to the nightclub by explaining that I felt too unwell following the excesses of the previous night. She didn't seem too upset, no doubt because the humidity had once again caused great beads of sweat to pour down my face and onto my t-shirt. As I valiantly tried to wipe them away as inconspicuously as possible, she knew she'd had a lucky escape.

The nightclub we fell in love with at the start of the week turned out to be our short-lived new home due to the fact that Ramadan started on Wednesday and shut down for a whole seven days - they're so inconsiderate them Muslims! Our concern over where we might get a bevvy from during this period of fasting was promptly quenched by our trusted friend Debbie from the Irish bar, who told us that she would be staying open until 3am every night serving booze and food to the masses. That wasn't all she told us either. Debbie was married many moons ago to a man whom she had three children with. He turned out to be a nasty piece of work and so she left him. Steven, an Irish man who worked as a chef on the QE2 docked here one day and asked her where he was. She said "in Penang sir", he said "yes, but what country is that in?" (How very Irish). It was obviously love at first sight and so they got married and had a child together. Debbie had a car accident in which her right arm was sliced off. She opened up an Irish bar here in Langkawi with Steven cooking the food. Six nights ago she caught Steven having a threesome with two of her customers. Whoa there Debbie, all we asked for was two pints of beer. Debbie is a chain-smoking, continually-drinking, one-armed, Muslim Wonder Woman and, naturally, we love her!

They still haven't got our door open and Matt's just realized that if we're stuck in here all day then they won't be able to bring us any food as Muslims can't buy food or drink during the daylight hours of Ramadan - as you can imagine we're finding the whole scenario hilarious.

Anyhow, apart from listening to Debbie's life story we've also had to endure endless hours of sunbathing, swimming in the sea, walks along the shore at sunset and laying under the stars at night, so to cheer ourselves up we've decided to go to a spa tomorrow and have a full-body massage, body scrub, body wrap, facial and a bath in milk and flowers - hopefully we'll feel relaxed after that.

I guess if you're reading this then you know we have been released from the hut. It appears they are taking an angle grinder to the lock now. Brilliant.

(The sparks fly)

(Dramatic reconstruction)

Blind Date

2007-09-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Malays are some of the friendliest people I've ever encountered and our time in Panang proved to be no different. From Lowe, the owner of the hostel we stayed in, a Chinese man with very little teeth but a lot of charisma to Nadan, a blind Indian man who joined us one night when we were having dinner. After an hour of Nadan regaling us with tales of his life and telling some great jokes, he invited us to his 50th birthday party the next night. Having accepted, we then decided the next day that there were other things we wanted to do, Ed called to let him know, spinning a lie that I was ill. After the call we momentarily worried that he might spot us out that night until we remembered that given his disability, this was highly unlikely.

Spending only one full day in Penang we decided to head up Penang hill. Around 800 metres above sea level, it had some great views of the island and surrounding area. We topped off the trip with a canopy walk and more photo ops concerning remaining icons of the British Empire.

The next day we were heading to Langkawi, one of Malaysia's top paradise Islands, and were being picked up at 7 in the morning. Agreeing on an early night I headed to bed leaving Ed in the hostel reception watching the end of the England match. When I woke up at 5 in the morning and Ed still wasn't there I went to find him. In typical Ed style he had befriended a Dutch guy with a severe stammer and a 62 year old American woman, who was on Prozac and had the most impressive set of bingo wings I've ever seen. With a Tiger beer in his hand, Ed quietly explained that the stammer had meant that the conversation had taken a lot longer than expected - a flawless excuse I have to say. Going back to bed I found him still there at 7, another Tiger in his hand and a packed rucksack ready to go. I've got to admit that boy never fails to impress me. His lack of sleep showed on the ferry though, when he passed out and fell asleep on an unamused German couple.

Langkawi is going to be our home for the next week or so. Our aim is to lie on the beach and as the island has been declared duty free, beer costing around 25p a can, to partay. We started the partying last night, beginning at Langkawi's only Irish bar (who says we don't soak up the local culture) - owned by a one-armed Malaysian called Debbie. We then headed over to Enigma, a night club in a nearby resort, and what a place it was. Refreshingly we and one older guy were the only white people in there. On stage were a band with a lead singer who gave Tina Turner a run for her money - at one point abandoning her microphone to freestyle hip shake on the dance floor. Her movements were quickly imitated by a very drunk 50 0dd year old Korean man, much to the dismay of the circle of friends sat around him. There we also met the gayest Malay ever, called Wan Dee (I kid you not) who even beat Ed in the hip department when Shakira came on. We also had one of those moments when you see the foreign version of one of your friends. This time it was you Natalie Poole in the form of a Thai masseuse called Catt. Wearing a beret and a fearsome expression she was cutting up some mighty fine moves on the dance floor. I had a boogie with her in your honour Nat. Ed was then approached by the waitress, asking whether he had a girlfriend. With a set of teeth that would make Janet Street-Porter green with envy, she took his answer of no as a come on and arranged to meet him at one armed Debbie's Irish bar tonight at 9 (a meeting that I wouldn't miss for the world)! The night was then duly finished off with someone projectile vomiting red sick all over the dance floor - we love this place! Getting back to ours at 4 in the morning, we went down to the beach and sat back to watch the shooting stars - definitely our best night out so far.

As I write this the time for Ed's date draws ever closer and we have heard rumour of a karaoke bar on the next beach. Loving Langkawi!

What a Glorious Feeling, I'm Happy Again

2007-09-07T02:12:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sat on a coach and can't get to sleep as the man to my left (what is it with me, coaches and men to my left?) has struck up a conversation with the curiously high-pitched driver - they obviously haven't seen each other for some time and are hollering down the bus to each other. He smells too. Therefore, I thought I'd write this entry.

We arrived in the Cameron Highlands on Tuesday and I felt alive again. The temperature never rises much above 20 degrees, nor drops below 10, such a relief after the humid weather we've had. An hour after we arrived the heavens opened too, which brought a great big grin to my face, not because it was raining exactly, more because Matt hadn't brought his waterproof out with him and I had. 1-0

We've both really enjoyed the Highlands and the food here has been the best to date. Being such a melting pot the choice of cuisine is fantastic, Banana Leaf curry (Indian), Steamboat (Chinese) and scones with jam and cream (!!!). This wasn't the only evidence we found of the good ol' British Empire and as we walked down one lane we happened across an old English style guesthouse with traditional telephone box outside - photo opportunity number 126.

We spent yesterday with a guide who took us to visit the sights that the Cameron Highlands have to offer. We spent the morning trekking through the jungle where he pointed out what all the plants could be used for; hay fever relief, mosquito repellent and a natural Viagra so that we can "keep our girlfriends very happy" (it'd take more than that me thinks). Seeing as homosexuality is illegal here, we decided it wasn't the right time to divulge that the only women we fine remotely attractive are Barbara Streisand and Elaine Paige - how I miss radio 2 on a Sunday afternoon!

From here we visited a tea plantation and factory, which to this day is owned by a Scottish family. It's Malaysia's largest producer of tea and our mothers would have loved it, proper nice brew. Matt once again humiliated me by telling our guide in his broadest northern accent "I hate tea" and then ordered a Sprite, oh the shame.

Anyhow, the highlight of the day for me came when we visited an Orang Asli (native) family, just outside the jungle. They live a very basic day-by-day existence and once they have enough food for the day, they stop hunting until the next. They have little or no possessions, yet seemed, from an outsiders point of view, to be very happy and content. Whether this is due to the 'good life' or the tobacco based products they chew and smoke I've yet to decide. We were taken into the jungle by Ali and shown how to use a blowpipe to kill animals for food. He beckoned me forward to have a try and so I put down my bag and took aim. His face suddenly changed once he realised he'd handed a lethal dart to someone who shakes almost as much as Judy Finnegan, but have no fear, my first shot hit the target perfectly. It took Matt 3 attempts but he got there in the end. 2-0.

After this we went back to the house, which was made entirely from bamboo, to meet the rest of Ali's family, we ate sugar cane with them, learnt some more about their traditional way of life and then played some instruments and sang.

We've really enjoyed our time in the Highlands and have finally tasted durian (a stinky, cheese-like fruit that is seen as a delicacy but is often banned from hotels because of its vomit like smell) which we quite enjoyed. Half-way through eating mine a monkey crawled up my leg, onto my waist and then snatched it out of my hand - cheeky monkey.

We are now on our way to a place called Georgetown and the man on the bus has stopped shouting and gone to sleep. I'm gonna try and join him, so will stop writing now.

They've Certified Us

2007-09-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that the Perhentian Islands are hot, for many days found it completely impossible to do anything except sleep, sit on our porch and read, then eat at night. Sunbathing has not even been an option, I'm not a human crab stick like Ed and I can barely sit out in it. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a complaint, we've had a fantastic time here, for the first time since leaving work we've truly chilled out, relaxed and enjoyed being beach bums. However, the time of doing nothing had to come to an end and finally after talking about it so much we started our PADI open water course. Now Ed is one of life's natural born worriers, he literally screamed when a kitten walked past him the other night, so to do a course which involves breathing under water to depths of 18metres and add into the equation snakes, trigger fish (mean bastards with iron jaws), sting rays and sharks took some guts - and he certainly has one! I was absolutely shitting myself as well when we started out but I have to say that it is one of the best things we have ever done. The course is a mixture of skill based work - swapping breathing apparatus under water, flooding our masks etc - and actual diving. We've now done 4 water dives and have seen phenomenal things from turtles to stingrays - nemo's to puffer fish. In order to get our qualification we also had to take a written theory exam, of course this turned into a serious competition between the two of us. It pains me to the core to type this but with a very respectable result of 94% I was beaten by 2% by the smug twat sat next to me. I haven't heard the last of it since the exam and if I see that smirk one more time. Actually if you add all the mock test results up I would win but I'm not sinking to the childish level...... Anyway in three days we became fully qualified open water divers, given our card by our aptly named teacher Paddy. See below for some photos of our dive experience.

So apart from scuba diving we were also in Malaysia for the 50th anniversary of independence, when Britain handed the country back. Being a Muslim country not many Malays were drinking so we felt it was only respectful to drink for them. So we sat back with a chang beer (big mistake) and watched as people threw cups of petrol on a bonfire and fireworks were set off that didn't all quite make it in a skyward direction - health and safety was definitely not top of the list. Wayward fireworks always seem to act as a method of introduction, people suddenly feel the need to share their personal firework horror stories, such as one guy telling us his teacher was killed when a firework blew up in his face! We met many nice people that night and ended up, in the early hours, sat round the smoldering remains of a bonfire, pretending to be alpha males and hitting the charred logs with a spade to make them glow more. How the girls were impressed.

So that is it for the Perhentian Islands, we leave tomorrow for the Cameron Highlands - a place renowned for its vegetation and tea plantations - as a non tea drinker I simply cannot wait.

Burps, Beaches and Burns

2007-08-27T00:32:00.000-07:00

The eight hour bus journey went by relatively smoothly, aided no doubt by the fact that we didn't get a wink of sleep the night before. I say relatively as the man sat to our left seemed to have serious indigestion issues and belched loudly every ten minutes or so. We arrived in Kuala Besut which is a little fishing village on the northeast coast of Malaysia. People only tend to pass through here on their way to the Perhentian islands, but we had to stay over until morning as we had missed the last boat. So we headed over to 'Nan's hostel' and due to a lack of rooms we offered Art - an American guy we had met on the coach - the spare bed in our room (we will stand shoulder to shoulder and all that!). The three of us went out for dinner and drinks and got to know each other - Art's a PhD student researching into a cure for ovarian cancer - at last it was great to meet someone with a job as important as ours! As we had to get up at 6am to get the boat we decided to call it a night and headed back to the hostel. Tired and still suffering from jetlag we were looking forward to a good night's sleep. All was going swimmingly until in the early hours Art started murmuring/screaming something in Japanese in his sleep which freaked Matt and i out so much that we huddled together on our side of the room wondering why we'd allowed a 6'4 stranger to sleep with us (thanks for the penknife Jake). In the morning we headed off to the boat with the very lovely Art and, being very British, told him what a great night's sleep we got.

So we arrived on Perhentian Kecil Island on Saturday morning and checked in to the first available accommodation. We dumped our bags and headed straight to the beach - beautiful soft white sand and water as warm as a bath - bliss. It was about 9am and probably 35 degrees so we decided to get a parasol and lie in the shade - that'll stop us from burning won't it....NO! I've done my usual trick and once again Matt is dating a human crab stick- a red back and white front, so appealing. Feeling a bit sorry for myself I decided to head back to our hut only to discover that in our rush to get to the beach we hadn't noticed what an awful pit it was. However, it was cheap and we're hardy travellers on a budget, so I thought I'd just be brave and put up with it rather than move somewhere more expensive. That was until I decided to have a shower and noticed a frog, randomly on top of the bathroom door, waiting to shower with me. This was the final straw and in my burnt, sleep-deprived state I had a hissy fit and told Matt that I couldn't live like this and couldn't spend a second longer in the room. We eventually moved to a lovely, clean, air-conditioned bungalow which we stayed in for the night.

Yesterday morning we moved to a different hut which was just as nice but cheaper and moved next door to a British Couple we had met on the boat trip across to the island. We went out for dinner and drinks with them last night and polished off a bottle of Monkey Juice (a local drink for local people) together. Tom's a medical student and Jude's a law graduate, which gave us the opportunity to have some stimulating and intellectual conversation about the state of the national health service and.... Big Brother. After a bit of a boogie and a couple of vodka's we headed home at about 3am. And so it's monday afternoon and we have another day on the beach to contend with, ho hum. Think we might do our PADI course here which takes 4 days so we'll update you soon on how that's going. Hope you are all enjoying the bank holiday and that your weather's as good as ours. Love Edx

She's Here!

2007-08-23T04:57:00.000-07:00

Kuala Lumpur - or KL as it's known by its friends - is an extremely modern city. Huge high rises dominate the sky line and shopping malls are ten stories high with theme parks in the middle of them - this creates a very odd atmosphere when shopping, all you can hear is the scream of kids as they ride around on a roller coaster suspended above your head. So KL has lots to explore, and what did me and Ed do? Sleep for 13 hours, eat at Ngau Kee's Famous Beef Ball Noodles Bar and get pissed up in a dive gay bar (magnificently Ed really did prove to Shakira that his hips don't lie) - nothing changes!

So, still suffering with jet lag, we are going on an 8 hour bus ride tomorrow to Pulau Perhentian Islands to lie on a beach, chill out and maybe do a bit of diving. By that time we should have our camera set up so we can show you where we are - so far we've only managed to take a photo of Ed outside Finnegan's Wake Pub to prove to his dad that the Irish really do get everywhere.

Days so far: 4
Piss ups: 1
Ed and Matt stylee arguments: 2 (over trying to find a payphone at midnight and the cost of Raspberry and Blackcurrant frappe bought from Starbucks)

Cake Anyone?

2007-08-08T14:51:00.001-07:00

A great, big, huge thanks to everyone who came to wish us farewell, good luck, good riddance on Saturday, we had a brilliant night. It was really lovely to see you all there. Please do email any photos that you took and we'll post them on here.

We're currently in sunny Bolton - honestly, it really is sunny! - and have got most of our gear together ready to take to Maidstone for a final week before we head off.

We leave the UK on the 19th August when we will post more messages but until then, do write and let us know your news.

Love,
Ed 'n' Matt x x

Leaving do

2007-06-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

We will be having drinks on August 4th to say our fond farewells - please note in diaries - venue tbc.