On The Move Again

It's been quite some time since our last entry and for those that don't know what we've been up to over the last few months I'll fill you in rather quickly. We moved to the Gold Coast, spent 3 and a half months working on Big Brother Australia, schmoozed with Pammy Anderson and Carson Kressley, got the programme decommissioned! Unfortunately we can't really take credit for it being the last series but I'm starting to worry that I might be seen as a bad omen by future employers. Anyhow, we had a great time, met some really fantastic people and had a very drunken last few months down under. Now we are back to doing what we do best - sweet F.A

Two weeks ago we arrived in Thailand and checked ourselves into a very swanky resort in Koh Phangan to celebrate Matt's 30th. We decided to spend a week doing nothing but sleeping, sunbathing and relaxing and that's exactly what we did, bliss. The second resort we went to - Matt decided he was going to have a 'birthday week' -had no other guests so we had the entire place (including pool and private beach) to ourselves.

We then headed over to Koh Samui to meet up with the irrepressible Miss Ellie Newton who has flown over to join us for a few weeks. Ellie's plan has been to join us and catch up on a year's worth of drinking in just 3 weeks and it turns out she wasn't joking. We had also planned to catch up with a couple of friends we made on Big Brother, Jonny and Jacqui, and we stumbled upon them on our first stroll along the beach. The last time we'd seen them was when they left the 'after after party' we had at our apartment following our wrap party. We started off where we left them and the combination of 5 like minded individuals (drunks) has meant lots of partying and some great nights out, one of which resulted in Matt and myself being hauled up on stage at a ladyboy show, dressed in drag with wigs and makeup and then having to dance around the bar. Unfortunately (very fortunately!) Jacqui accidentally deleted all the photos she had taken and so there is no evidence of Matt and I looking like Wilma and Betty from the Flintstones.

Jonny and Jacqui's holiday came to an end, but not before a final night out with them where I managed to lose my shows, as did Ellie, along with her bag which contained her credit card, bank details and, most importantly her Bobbi Brown bronzer. It's all sorted now and we've just spent 4 lovely days in Ko Tao. Matt and I went diving to a couple of sites and Ellie went snorkeling. Unfortunately (very fortunately!) she came across a large jellyfish, panicked, swallowed vast amounts of water, vomited, and then had to snorkel through it. She assures us that she's still having a wonderful time, as are we, and tonight it's the infamous Full-Moon Party in Koh Phangan so who knows what will happen - can't wait.

Things That Go Bump In the Night

1 month, 31 days, 744 hours, 44640 minutes, 2678400 seconds - at last our self imposed sober hell came to an end, not that we had been counting the time or anything. So it was time to celebrate but what could we do - a lovely meal, nightclub, cocktail lounge - far too obvious - a bottle of wine and a night in a haunted hotel room - bingo!

Whilst reading our Lonely Planet Guide Ed had found info on a village called St Bathans:

"If a trip to St Bathans leaves you with an eerie tingle down your spine, you're not the first. Set in a hollow in what feels close to the middle of nowhere, this tiny village is believed to be haunted. Ask the proprietor at the Vulcan Hotel and you'll get an adamant nod followed by a quick look over her shoulder. Doors opening and closing, missing objects and books flying off the shelves are her frequent reminders of the nonpaying hotel guest."

It had to be done, so on Wednesday morning we set off with our ghost busting supplies - a bumper size bag of crisps, dry roasted peanuts and a $5 bottle of wine.

St Bathans was indeed as spooky as promised, once a thriving gold mining town with a population of 2000 people, numbers have dwindled somewhat in recent times to a grand total of 4, the couple that run the Vulcan Hotel and the couple that run the post office - incidentally we discovered that both couples actually hate each other and don't talk, making for an incredible sense of community!

With a small street lined with historic ruins and preserved gold mining history, we decided to get ourselves into a ghostly frame of mind with a stroll round the cemetery and the crumbling remains of the local school house. Even the Post Mistress got us in the mood with classic lines such as "This is a post office not a ghost office" and "If you drink too many spirits you may just see some spirits" - personally, I felt the last line could have done with a little more work.

So with much anticipation and a raging desire to drink as much lager as humanely possible, we checked ourselves in at the Vulcan Hotel. Mike, the landlord, served us our first pint, our first for a month I told him. "Fucking hell, you're not a pair of gay boys are you?" he joked. "Actually yes" I said. Sudden hush in the bar as everyone turned to look at us. "Are you fucking serious, fucking hell, don't worry I'm not homophobic or anything, I'm just going to murder you in the morning!" From that moment on we knew our night in a haunted room was not going to be quite as we'd hoped.
Room 1, where we were staying, was one of four and we were the only people staying that night. The story went that our room used to be home to a local prostitute who was brutally murdered one evening, by a client who stole all of her money. Ever since her presence has been felt in a number of ways.

Recreating TV's 'Most Haunted' - Ed taking the role of Derek Acorah and me as Yvette Fielding - we sadly felt no presence and heard no noises. So we decided to venture back into the bar to question Judy, the more friendly other half to Mike. By this time the bar was empty and to say Judy was shitfaced is a gross understatement. We could tell the level of her intoxication by the amount of time it took her to attempt to put a fallen flip flop back on her foot - approx 5 mins before she gave up and slipped the other one off to avoid embarrassment. She told us that she had owned the bar for 7 years and undoubtedly there was a ghost, grabbing a Woman's Weekly from behind the bar she opened it at a recently written article about Room 1. It was this section that caught my eye:

"When new proprietors arrive to take over the running of the hotel, the ghost becomes especially active. Mike and Jude found a gin bottle had been emptied, and pictures on the wall were rearranged. Jude's banking books had mysteriously vanished, yet she eventually found them exactly where she had left them."

Ummm an empty gin bottle and things disappearing only to reappear exactly where they had been left. It all became horribly clear. We retired to our blatantly non haunted room, ate peanuts and had a brilliant nights sleep. Disappointing on the ghost front, although we did notice something unusual in a photograph we had taken.

So this brought us to the end of our Kiwi experience. With just enough time to stop off at Mount Cook, quite possibly the most beautiful place we have ever visited, we are now flying back to Australia for Mardi Gras, the royal visit from Jake Senior and the thing we have been dreading the most - it begins with w and has ork in it. Ed is already shaking just at the thought of it.

Having An Ice Time

Just so you can picture where we are right now, we're sat in our van enjoying the latest fixation in our lives - Boysenberry ice cream!

We now only have one week left in New Zealand which feels hard to believe, the last month has just flown by. At the beginning of last week we went to Franz Josef in order to climb the glacier there, interestingly named Franz Josef Glacier. Opting for the 'All day ice adventure' we rocked up, kitted ourselves out in boots, waterproofs and crampons and headed out to tackle the beast. Boys being boys we pushed our way to the front (well actually, Matt pushed us to the front) in order to be in group one - the fastest group which would lead the pack - and we began our hike up into the ice, a path being cut out for us by our pickaxe wielding guide.

I'm loathed to overuse the word but I think it's fair to describe the sights and experience as awesome, crawling, climbing and sliding our way up and down the ice, through and into tight crevices (insert your own 'ooh er' jokes here) and whilst it was quite a work out we loved every second, although my feet weren't thanking me for it at the end of the day!The photos won't purvey the sheer scale of the thing but rest assured it's pretty bloody big.
We also visited Fox Glacier, didn't climb it, didn't buy any mints, did have a photo taken though.

From here I hobbled down south to The Catlins. A place to stop and chill out for a few days to break up the driving (New Zealand is slightly larger than the UK and we've been to the north, south, east and west, as well as a few trips inland) as quite a lot of our time gets spent in the van. As an aside, considering the size of New Zealand compared to the UK, their population is approximately 4.2 million compared to our 60.5 which means there's plenty of space out here for everyone, although they do have 39.3 million sheep to make up for it (a haven for sheep worriers if ever I heard it).

In the Catlins we based ourselves in Curio bay, in the most secluded of camping spots amongst tall grasses and between two beaches. On one side of us we had a place to laze and take swims with the resident (wild) dolphins that shared the bay with the locals and tourists, and on the other side of us was a petrified forest (I still don't know what had happened to scare it so much) and the very rare Yellow-eyed penguins which we were able to watch up close in the evenings as they came out of the water, called out for their chicks and then threw up the contents of their stomachs for the little ones to feed on - Mmm, just-a like-a mamma used to make.

At night we sat and enjoyed the sunset before turning in and completing the cryptic crossword in the daily paper - another habit we've formed during our time here. Here's one to keep you going: How orchards produce profits (4,5).

From the Catlins we headed west again to visit Milford Sound in the Fiordlands. A tourist (and pesky Sandfly) hotspot, it's one of the places where it's necessary to join the hordes of other visitors and hop on a cruise to see the sights. Described by Rudyard Kipling as 'the eighth wonder of the world' it was certainly beautiful but I think the 'Jungle Booker' possibly over egged it slightly. However, we managed to get on a relatively small cruise (just 35 of us) which meant we spent a very lovely morning taking in the sights. Our mantra in New Zealand seems to be "what an amazing view" as they are just everywhere.It's the 12th February today and we haven't had a drop of alcohol pass our lips for thirty days. We had planned to keep going until Valentine's night and treat ourselves with a meal and a glass or 2 of wine but we have had to bring it forward by one day for reasons that I will let Matt explain in his next entry. It means that the drought ends tomorrow though, Hallelujah!

P.S. Apologies for the awful Petrified forest joke.

A Gay Old Time

With adrenaline still coursing through our veins we finally landed on the South Island. So what would be our next move? Bungy jumping, white water rafting, a spot of zorbing? Actually no, we were heading to a gay farmstay!

Autumn Farm is located on the edge of Takaka, a little hippy town in the Golden Bay region of New Zealand. We originally found the place when we were thinking of doing some farm work for a while. Okay we secretly had cowboy fantasies and notions of rolling in the hay but the very thought of work soon put paid to that idea. So we decided to stay and relax for a couple of days instead. The place was incredible - beautifully designed, everything had been thought of - a giant spinning glitter ball and disco lights in the bathroom (my personal favourite), a cushioned snug at the bottom of the garden and an outdoor bath heated by a fire beneath it. The place was also clothing optional, something me and my Ed just never buy into but is always great as a source for our amusement. There is nothing funnier than watching a highly unattractive man, making his lunch, in nothing but his sandals. We did very little at Autumn Farm, mainly sunbathing and taking evening baths under a blanket of stars - very romantic. Feeling refreshed it was time to move on though. As we left in the early morning we came across the best image of our trip so far - outside somebody's van was a discarded lone trainer and a cucumber - the mind truly boggles!

All the lazing around had made us hungry for a bit of exercise, so for our next venture we decided to undertake another of New Zealand's great walks - this one was through Abel Tasman National Park. Taking two days to complete we set off in the early morning with a rolled up blanket and enough cheese and chutney sandwiches to feed a small army. The sandwich filling actually sparked a lively debate between me and my Ed about whether Sir Edmund Hillary took cheese and chutney sandwiches up Everest - sadly it will be a question that we never get to ask. The walk was a fantastic experience, taking in the most stunning coastal scenery and with several secluded bays, we broke up our hiking with sunbathing and dips in the ocean. It was real achievement when we finally staggered into our destination.

We timed our completion of the Abel Tasman with the Mardi Gras celebration that was happening in Takaka. Now we realised that Tarkaka was a very hippy town but that still didn't prepare us for the amount of bad folk music we were about to endure. Painful is an understatement, mixed in with a 100% sobriety made the whole thing literally unbearable - naturally Ed loved every second. I honestly thought the day could get no worse, then the mime arrived and I was proved wrong.

If there is one thing in life I really hate it's mimes and this one was particularly detestable as he danced around like a cunt making over exaggerated facial gestures. Mimes really annoy me for many reasons but my biggest bugbear is the way they encroach their presence on other acts in a vain attempt to steal the limelight. Take this scene:

A group of young children were doing a dance presentation to a Michael Jackson song, an act that was ghastly enough in itself but take a closer look in the left hand corner:

There he is dancing around like a knob, trying to avert eyes on to him, ruining the group of 12 year olds moment of fame. Truly the act of a talentless narcissist. Please stop these people performing in public spaces!

The day would have been a total waste of life but it was thankfully saved when a little girl pulled down her pants and whilst standing up, pissed all over the grass, frankly a sentiment I quite agreed with, followed by an elderly woman unknowingly lying backwards and putting her head in it. We almost killed ourselves laughing.

Still chuckling we are now heading South to climb a glacier - it's New Zealand and we're not drinking, what else would we do!

Going Underground

Having not had a drink for 2 weeks now it was obviously critical that we found a new drug to course through our veins during our time in New Zealand and we have opted for the somewhat passe Adrenaline, or 'Ad' as it's referred to by hardened users.

Our first fix came courtesy of the Waitomo caves, or to be more specific Ruakuri cave. Following a short briefing we abseiled approximately 30 metres into the cave - attempting Rambo stylee jumps but failing miserably - and then started touring through the underground system. I should mention at this point that the group consisted of Matt and myself (slightly over excited and whooping every now and again) and the most miserable middle-aged Scottish couple who seemed determined to have an awful time from the outset. Of course this only heightened our enjoyment of the whole day and we threw in a few extra whoops just to overstate our case. Next we were attached to a flying fox and sent down in the pitch black to find some inner tubes waiting for us. We then positioned ourselves inside said tubes and jumped into the incredibly cold subterranean river that flow through Ruakuri cave - exciting, invigorating, daring or as Jimmy Krankie's miserable sister put it "just horrible"! We then floated through a long, glow-worm-covered passage which was spectacular and as we all turned off our headlamps we were able to lie back in our tubes, legs under each others arms to form a train, and float along under the hundreds and hundreds of glow worms that lit the ceiling above us. Getting out of our tubes we walked and swam the rest of the way, jumped of a small waterfall and then clambered our way back up through the cave and into daylight. A great day was had by all, sort of.

We were staying at a very lovely, basic and cheap campsite near to the caves which was run by an eccentric old fellow called Bill. Filling us in on the history of the area in very, very precise detail, he also informed us that the Queen got her dairy cows from a farmer just down the road. "Wow" we said and then Bill wrote down the name of the farm and the farmer on a scrap of paper so that I could write to Liz and tell her that I knew where she got her dairy cows from and that I'd been there. I've yet to pen that fascinating letter but I was assured that "She's very good at getting back to you", which amused me, thinking of all the trite that must turn up in her mail bag each morning.

Following our exertions in the cave we decided to take it easy for a couple of days and so we headed up to the Bay of Islands on the far north of the North Island. Here we boarded a sailing trip and cruised our way around the islands, snorkeled off a bay that we stopped at and looked out for dolphins as we cruised back after lunch. We were very lucky to find a pod of about 15 bottle nose, who we followed and who swam right around our boat. Unfortunately we couldn't get in and swim with them due to the harsh regulations - it could scare their young, make them sick and kill them or something - but they were great to watch nevertheless. By the time we docked though we were starting to get the jitters from withdrawal and so it was time to head off in search of another dealer and we heard that there was a great one in Taupo.

Being somewhat of an Aviaphobe (that's someone who has a fear of flying to the less etymologically gifted of you) I can think of nothing worse than getting into a small rickety plane, flying up to 12'000 feet, opening the door and then hurling myself out. So guess what we did yesterday? Indeed, it was the scariest thing but as my favourite self-help book states, "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" - as an aside, it's also a favourite of Geri Haliwell's - I most certainly felt it, smelt it and dealt it all the way up through the clouds and until my legs were dangling out the door of the plane and I could see land below. I turned and smiled for the camera, turned and gave Matt a loving glance - only fair as it could have been my last - and then whoosh, my instructor had thrown us out and we were upside down and falling towards earth. It was THE MOST AMAZING experience and as we turned and floated, arms stretched out for about 40 seconds without a parachute it felt like we were gliding, or dare I say it, flying through the sky rather than falling. The views, the rush, the adrenaline were like nothing else and then as the parachute opened and we straightened up I realized that I was going to live and be able to recant a truly, utterly amazing experience. Matt had watched me fall from the plane and then he followed, I landed first and then watched as he came down and landed safely - such relief. We both loved it, as exciting as 4 minutes can ever get and certainly a big enough fix to last us our journey to the South Island where we are heading now, a place that we are told is even more beautiful than the North Island. Can't wait.

Vinegar Tits

After being stationary in Sydney for three weeks, we were both extremely excited to be hitting the road again. We have five weeks to explore New Zealand and intend to fit in both the North and South Islands. Our first stop was Christchurch, the only big city on the South Island, we landed there late Sunday night. Feeling a little bit lost without our Eric we headed to our backpackers - Jailhouse Accommodation. Now those of you in the know about Ed's unusual relationship with Prisoner Cell Block H will understand his reasoning in booking us into a converted historic Jail. Our room was a tiny cell with bunk beds and the original jail door. 'He used to bring me roses' was still being sung well after lights out!!

Our time in Christchurch and the South Island was actually short spent, we intend to spend the last three weeks of our trip in the South. So the next few days were taken up with organising transportation:

It ain't no Eric but the spelling mistake on the back made our day!

and getting to the North Island.

Our first stop was Tongariro National Park - home to the famous Tongariro Crossing - New Zealand's best one day walk. The crossing circumnavigates Mount Ngauruhoe, an active volcano best known for its cameo as Mordor's Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings films. Waking at 5am, I'm still flinching as I write that, we set off on the most spectacular walk we've ever done. Taking seven hours to complete, we climbed the side of a mountain to walk in the clouds, then round the rim of a volcano and finally down to beautiful lakes created by volcanic craters. These photos just don't do it justice.

Me and my Ed took our roles as Sam and Frodo very seriously N.B. We don't want any ring references thank you Jake.

In an adrenalin infused state, Ed then drove us on to Rotorua, to experience Maori culture and geothermal activity!

Known as the Sulphur City, Rotorua lies on a fault line making it an active volcanic area. Here we visited a Maori village and saw the Haka being performed. This is the tribal dance used by the Maori to frighten their foe before battle. Today it is most famously used by the New Zealand rugby team before every match. The Maori singing and dancing was great, although we must admit to getting even more enjoyment because of the little girl at the front who forgot all the words and moves halfway through. We also have video evidence of her attempting to join in with some poi swinging and failing miserably - very funny.

After soaking the night away in a mineral spa under the stars we set off the next day to visit Waiotapu - a compact thermal area with lots of unusual volcanic activity, including a champagne pool, bubbling mud, mineral terraces and a spouting geyser. I must admit it was actually pretty incredible - again photo's just don't do it justice.

Being a country famed for its outdoor activities we are now heading to Waitomo Caves to abseil into black depths and jump off a waterfall. The boozesome twosome have also made a momentous decision and decided to join in with the healthy New Zealand outlook. We are jumping on the wagon for a month of no alcohol. One week in and desperate for a beer!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Matt and I spent Christmas and New Year in Sydney and whilst it was very different basking in the sun over the yuletide season we kept it fairly traditional - roast turkey on Christmas day, turkey curry on boxing day and far too much drink on New Year's Eve!

We have been staying at Lesley's flat again and got up on Christmas day to see if Santa had come. Luckily for us he had and I got very excited about opening my stocking which was filled with goodies - well if you can count a pair of pants and a Pez as goodies that is! We then started drinking (that's what you do on Christmas day isn't it?) and took a stroll along the coast and onto Bondi beach. It wasn't as hot as other days have been which was actually really nice, it made it feel a bit more like home. We went back and set up the dinner table and I started cooking our meal. We ate so much that we couldn't even face a pudding which, as many of you will know, is very unlike Matt and I. We had a really lovely day and finished it off with a game of Scrabble - I won but as I said to the others, "it's the taking part that counts".

From Boxing day to New Year we spent most of our time on the beach and only visited the sales once. We then met up with a friend from back home, Annalise, who we were seeing in the new year with. Annalise's sister was having a party on her terrace that just happened to overlook Sydney Harbour so we got a prime spot away from all the crowds to watch the spectacle happen. After a few glasses of fizz, a couple of Pimms, one or two Moscow Mules and a cold bottle of beer (or six) we counted down to midnight and watched for fifteen minutes as the Harbour Bridge lit up with an amazing display of fireworks. The party then carried on until the earlier hours but I won't bore you with all the details, well I might if I could remember them, but I'm assured that we all had a fantastic night.

Before arriving in Sydney for Christmas we spent a week in Melbourne which was brilliant. As you know we sold Eric as soon as we got there which was very sad but we quickly found a new love, it was Melbourne. Our favourite city so far, full of small funky bars, lovely little restaurants, great CAKE SHOPS and a very European air that made us feel at home instantly. We spent the week checking out all these little bars, clubs and cake shops and of course, we had to pay a visit to Ramsay street too.

I preferred this street to Ramsay street myself.

Going the whole hog we also went along to the 'Neighbours Night' which involved a pub full of 18-21 year olds getting very drunk and screaming their heads off when a man dressed up as Bouncer the dog - the real Bouncer died 7 years ago as any real fan would know - ran among them. Matt and I obviously felt far too old for it all and decided to leave just after the 'snogging contest' got under way. We couldn't resist a few photos with the 'megastars' (as they were referred to) before we left though. Matt made a classic faux pas by shaking hands with Alan Fletcher and saying "Nice to meet you Karl". Very uncool.

Is it just me or does Matt look like he could be related to Dr. Karl?

Melbourne was great and we look forward to going back there, when that will be we are not too sure yet. We have about six weeks of travelling left before we have to decide where we will go for work and as yet we are still not sure. Now though we are off to New Zealand for a month so we'll worry about work once we get back.